Redefining Your Relationship with Money After Divorce

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This article was originally
published in the Divorced Living newsletter, April 15, 2002. You can
subscribe to Divorced Living newsletter at www.Divorcedliving.com * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Spring is my favorite season. I love the freshness of the air, buds
bursting forth on bare tree branches, tulips opening to the sky -- the
sense of new beginnings.

It seems ironic that April 15, the day of tax reckoning, is plumb in the
middle of this gorgeous month. And, I know few events that people react
to with such dread and foot-dragging as getting their taxes in order.

Annette has had a constant headache for two weeks as she's searched for
receipts and pay stubs in the evenings after 10-hour shifts at work.

Connie has been irritable and snappy. She admits that her mood plunged
at the end of March, anticipating that she'll spend the next two
weekends hunched over her tax return.

Tina rationalizes that she's just too busy and will have to get an
extension -- again. Same thing every year.

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Why do people dread and put off dealing with their taxes? Probably for
many reasons. The most common ones include:

+ Having to pull together records and receipts that haven't been
organized over the past year + Facing how meager your income truly is +
Hating any form of math and feeling incompetent + Resenting that you
have to give money to the government

For many divorced women, there are additional reasons that tax time may
feel aversive, scary, or painful. If your husband took care of the taxes
during your marriage, then this may be the first time that you are doing
your tax return. Filing your taxes may face you with the harsh reality
that your income is severely reduced because of the divorce. In
addition, doing your taxes may highlight the fact that you are on your
own now, which can bring its own mix of feelings.

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While I truly doubt that anyone does their taxes with joy and passion, I
do believe that we can have a different kind of RELATIONSHIP with
money-related events that feel aversive, such as completing tax returns.

Consider this possibility - that you can learn the MOST about yourself
from situations that you find aversive. And, with regard to
money-related events, these situations can reveal old money messages
that you learned somewhere in your past.

Furthermore, what you shrink away from can become the basis for new
goals. If you don't have much experience with managing your money,
learning the nuts and bolts of financial organization, such as
completing your taxes, will move you one step closer to independence and
the life that you are creating for yourself.

Let's see how this different perspective can work, using filing your
taxes as the example.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Money Messages from the Past

1. Let's start way back -- what did you learn from your parent(s)'
behavior and reactions? Think back to tax times when you were a kid. How
did your parent(s) deal with preparing tax returns?

Did one parent do it all? If your parents were together, did they share
the task?

Did they put it off until the last minute?

Were they preoccupied, irritable, argumentative? Overwhelmed? Or did
they handle it with an air of quiet competence?

Did your parents have certain habits for collecting statements and
receipts, for working on the return?

When I did this exercise I had very clear images of "tax time" in my
family. Somehow we all knew when tax time was approaching. My father
completed tax returns as a service for some of his customers (my family
ran an insurance agency). Dad would sit at the dining room table for
hours after work, pouring over slips and sheets of paper. He would look
serious, or annoyed, and rub his forehead a lot. We "kids" intuitively
knew to be quiet so as not to disturb him. It was not a fun time, to say
the least.

Observing my reactions while preparing my taxes last month, I was struck
by the tension in my body, how preoccupied and serious I was acting and
feeling. I diligently pulled together the numbers for my accountant, but
it was three days of "no fun." I had certainly internalized my family
message. While I don't avoid, financial responsibility is a burdensome,
heavy duty. And, it doesn't matter whether I do them myself or do them
jointly, like I did when I was married.

I also was amused to see that, despite how much I like to do things my
own way, I was still using the organizational system that my Dad had
used -- long white envelopes, with the name of an expense category and
the year printed on the front of each envelope. The only difference is
that my envelopes were bulging with dog-eared and oddly folded credit
card receipts instead of his neat and tidy slips of paper. So, to
support my journey to find "my best way," I switched to file folders
from envelopes -- much better suited to my organizational needs.


2. Now, think back to tax time while you were married. Did you file
singly or jointly with your partner? Who completed the tax returns? Did
you do them together? What was the atmosphere like when you were doing
them? Did you and your partner have similar or different approaches to
completing the returns? For example, did one of you like to get them
done in February, while the other put it off so long that you had to
file extensions?

Again, what money messages did you take away from those experiences?
While my now ex-husband and I didn't have much conflict around
completing our returns, what I do remember is a sense that I didn't do
the job as well or as thoroughly as he did. I realized that, eight years
later, I was still holding on to discomfort based on those experiences.
Truthfully, I do just fine. As I "update my financial self-image" to
incorporate this fact, I feel the benefit -- more confidence in my money
competence.

So, if you can allow yourself to approach the aversiveness, it can be a
way to drag old money messages out of your memory "closet" -- and do
some "spring cleaning." Once you know what's there, you have the choice
to toss it, keep it, or give it away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Designing New Goals from What Has Been
Aversive

Figuring out old money messages can help you understand some of the
reasons that a money-related event feels so aversive. There's another
angle on this as well. Let's go back to the common reasons that people
dread this task.

Let's face it. For many of us, it's just a pain to do our taxes. Who
really wants to spend time organizing receipts in order to see how much
money you owe the government? Who wants to see how little income you
really are netting? What about those who are and will always be
math-challenged?

On the other hand, we can turn each irritation on its head and ask a
different question. And that is, Would I like this experience to be
different? And, if so, what experience would I like to create?

Here are a few examples from the women mentioned earlier who have used
this approach:

1. ORGANIZATIONAL GOALS Annette turned her frustration into "I'd like a
simple system for filing my bills and receipts over the year, so I don't
have to hunt them down in April."

Tip - Look to your current tax return for categories that you commonly
use (e.g., interest and dividend income, charitable contributions, tax
payments, various business expenses for Schedule C.) Label a file folder
for each category. Place the folders in an expanding file that you keep
in a convenient place to stash receipts when you get home.

2. EARNING GOALS Connie realized her plunging mood was related to
frustration with her income. She really had to tighten her belt to live
on her own after her divorce. Connie decided to set finding a better
paying job as her coaching goal.

Tip - Take this one in steps. Decide if it is possible to earn more by
asking for a raise, promotion to another position, doing free-lance
work. If you can't or don't want to, consider searching for a new job.
If your occupation limits what you can earn, consider an advanced degree
that can open the door to higher earning potential.

3. OVERCOMING MATH FEARS Tina avoided her taxes out of "math
inadequacy." She knew that she did not have a learning disability, that
old money messages and negative experiences were the basis for her
feelings. Tina chose to challenge those fears in her coaching.

Tip - Proper resources and good support can be extremely helpful here.
Find a patient friend who will share how they organize and compile their
tax information. Have someone teach you to use simple money management
software (e.g. Quicken, Microsoft Money). Pay someone (including your
teenage son or daughter!) to code in the information each month.

4. ACCEPTING HARD REALITY For better or worse, paying taxes is a
financial responsibility of working American citizens. It is the price
of the privilege of living here. Accepting that as one of life's "hard
realities" may be enough to let the resentment go.

Tip - Consider what value you hold that may be met by paying your taxes,
for example, caring for others less fortunate than you.

Another hard reality may be the fact that you are on your own, perhaps
for the first time.

Tip - Acknowledge that it is scary or uncomfortable to be on your own
right now. And, then focus on the steps that you are taking to learn,
organize and manage your finances. Imagine you are laying bricks,
building a strong foundation for your financial security. Notice how
focusing on your actions feels to you.

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I hope that these tips can help you to get ready for a year brimming
with new growth, discovery and abundance.